Most of you have probably forgotten who I am and have not been able to keep up with the many name changes this blog has gone through…
Even I forget who I am. I have been very disconnected from the blogging world and have fallen out of the routine posting on a regular basis. And when you fall out of a routine for so long, it can be quite difficult getting back into the swing of it.
Time to wake up out of my long slumber.
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14th October 2018
There is a certain reputation about being a Gemini. If you’re into astrology, you will be familiar with the traits that each of the 12 signs have. I happen to be born when the Sun was at a particular degree in the sign of Gemini.
In short: Geminis are meant to be social butterflies, the life of the party and is said if you don’t want to get bored at a party, find a Gemini and they will keep you entertained.
Which I am far from (well, unless I know you very well and very comfortable with).
I loathe social situations.
I can’t stand being the centre of attention, and oddly enough we always wind up being so and this is why people have assumed I am extroverted.
The thing is, we INFJ’s [links provided below] do often get mistaken as being extroverted.
Ever since I could remember, I knew I was different. Would be different (AM different), as I started to grow up in a world that fills my heart with both great joy and great misery.
What I hadn’t expected is how I am able to f e e l everything.
“I have a love-hate relationship with my emotions. In my circle of friends, I’m more often than not the emotional sponge. I love being an emotional sponge, as I easily empathize with people, whether they’re happy or hurting. However, absorbing everyone else’s emotions can be tiring, and there are times when I can’t help but snap and shut down my Fe function. … I’m very much happy for my emotions, but there are times when I question why I feel as such, or if such emotions are even mine.”Denise from The INFJ Handboook by Marissa Barker
I didn’t know this at the time and as a teenager I taught myself to bottle everything up.
I grew up in an era where crying was frowned upon and so, I refused to show any sort of emotion out in public. Over time my exterior became harden.
Back when there wasn’t a four lettered acronym of my “personality type”, I use to call it having a really good bullshit meter. And whenever I found myself at parties to (painfully) socialise, I always had a way of already ‘knowing’ a person before they introduced themselves and as a result people have often told me I am very stand off-ish when they first meet me.
You see, it takes a while (actually a very long time) for me to warm up to people…
Which brings me to now know, after many years why I seem to attract broken people into my life. Over the years I have had experienced a lot of toxic friendships. Unknown to me, it was because these people needed healing. I had no idea and I wondered why I was always so drained after having had hung out with certain friends/people. I have also had my fair share of ‘clingers’ and oh, boy were they hard to get rid of…Sadly it caused to attract the wrong men into my life or were they karmic lessons…? Because I had to survive abusive relationships…which I’m not going to go into detail about those extremely dark years. I have sealed up those parts of my life well and truly now.
Overtime, I became the one who always ended up being left out and labelled as the ‘tag along’, some have been rude enough to make sure I was within earshot to hear their-not-always-so-nice impression about me – no one understood me…but how can others understand me if I couldn’t even understand myself!? Which is why I no longer attend social gatherings. My social anxiety causes me to freeze and I happily shut myself away, but I also get conflicted because there are times I want to be out and about with a group of friends.
The worst days are when I’m tired, it’s really hard for me to protect myself from people’s energy…and I am a total wreck by the end of the day. There have been times where I’ve picked up so many different emotions that it can cause me to lash out and when I lash out…the intensity is a nuclear bomb. I hate myself when I lash out. Even I have to be careful of my own energy, too often I have “accidentally” changed the mood in an environment as well as those who happen to be in the same room. On behalf of the not so many INFJ’s, apologies if you’ve walked away preplexed as to why you fell into a weird mood…
Which is also why I do my best to numb everything out as much as possible and ensure I keep myself in check by radiating as much kindness, friendliness and love out into the world.
Fortunately nowadays it’s only a very rare few who’ve have see my real temper. I’ve learned through meditation or focusing onto the sound and feel of my beating heart to keep myself from reacting or allowing others affect me.
And of course (most) people aren’t aware of what they are radiating and sadly…there is a lot of unhappy and angry people out there…
The thing I have struggled with the most with is trying to fit in. I had never quite fitted in anywhere even though it may seem I belong in any type of group of friends. And trust me, I’ve have had my fair share of being in various friend groups or crews over the years due to moving around a lot. What made it difficult was when they would share memories from their many years of friendship and I would watch them laugh or cry about it. I was simply an observer of everyone around me…always “looking from the outside in” – I’m sure an INFJ said that and this is how we feel the majority of the time. I’ve given up trying to fit myself in anywhere now.
“INFJs often feel like perpetual outsiders. And, INFJs see the world in a very unique way — a way that most people can’t understand or relate to. As a result, many INFJs feel unhappy, discouraged, and even depressed.”12 Things INFJs Absolutely Need To Be Happy by Jenn Granneman – Introvert Dear
Observing, always observing and reading. A lot of the times, I actually enjoy reading people, it’s both entertaining and alarming. Alarming because sometimes I tend to get images I really don’t want to see and this isn’t something I tend to share a lot – I come from a family line of Witches, healers and psychic abilities.
But if you ever want to know you’ve come across an INFJ, look at their eyes. We don’t just look at you. We are looking right through you…this is also why people tend to keep their distance, a part of them knows we have picked up something within them they like to keep hidden. We seek truth/the truth finds us. Or as I’ve been told, I can be quite intimidating, which is funny. Perhaps its due to my “resting bitch face” I like to wear to keep people away from me.
Given the history I have had in the past it is hard for me to truly let anyone close to me again. I have placed big walls around myself to keep me from being used and hurt by those I thought cared just as deeply as I did with them…
Which is why this Gemini loves being a loner.
….Happy Full Moon in Gemini…