finding your purpose when you don’t know what the hell your purpose is

25th October 2018

What is purpose?
What is your purpose?
What the hell is my purpose!?

Something I have been searching for ever since I came into this world. I wanted to know what is the meaning of life and why do we have to have…

A purpose. (Do we really need a purpose…)

I have become all too familiar what it’s like to be a wanderer through life and have always questioned why have we been put here on earth, this particular planet and in this particular human body.

As a young child I wanted to become everything! A doctor, a ballerina, an actor, a lawyer and heck, I even wanted to be an astronaut!

But instead…

14 years later I am still in an office job where on some days it is a struggle to get up to go to. It has been my lack of making any big actions on the choices I run inside my head daily has caused me to stay put. The same routine of day in day out Monday to Friday. I use to claim being a “Free Spirit” what an utter lie that is! Instead I have ended up in situations that has gotten me stuck in one place for far too long. I was born with a Nomadic soul and all I have done is insult it!

Only 5 precent – 1 in 20 – active the level of success and fulfilment they hope for. The other 95 percent either fail or fall short. The only different is the slight edge. – The Slight Edge, Jeff Olsen (currently still trying to find what that slight edge is, the book is taking me a while to read).

The other day my dear friend sent me a lovely message to let me know how amazing I am. Instead of taking it as a compliment, I ended up doing what I do best…

Read into it and ended up overthinking.

My internal monologue:
“I’m not amazing.”
“I don’t feel amazing!”
“I’ve done NOTHING amazing this year!”


All due to old habits. Not good habits. Habits, so deeply ingrained within. Each time I try to break them, I end up failing a lot.
One of them is called: Self Doubt.
I also learned after listening to a motivational talk by Mel Robbins on ‘Overcoming Self Doubt’, is that…

Self Doubt is a D E C I S I O N.

A decision I have been making over and over and over. Know why? I also have fallen into these four categories mentioned in the video (Mel Robbins on ‘Overcoming Self Doubt’):

Hesitation
Hiding
Hypercritical
Helplessness

Which is probably why I have never found my true purpose. Or have I?
Maybe I am living my purpose but not actually seeing it. No, that sounds rather ridiculous actually.
It reminds me of a Podcast I listened to on ‘Unf*ck Your Brain’ by Master Couch Kara Loewentheil how we will never reach our full potential because our full potential is in the future. I’ll that sink in for a moment.

It blew my mind.

 

And this is why I get so discourage with my present self. I am unable to see what is my true purpose. It takes courage to be able to face your future self.
We all want to be successful.
We all want to be admired.
And we all want to have money (lots of it).
All of the things we all don’t like to openly admit. Especially about money but I am saving the money topic for another time.

Which is why I have hidden behind the lame excuse….

“I’m afraid of success”

Courage doesn’t happen when you have all the answers. It happens when you are ready to face the questions you have been avoiding your whole life.
Shannon L. Alder

 

 

2018 I found myself trying out all kinds of things. I thought I had set myself up to having a very creative year. I tried digital collage art, I even attempted to do some water colour painting to trying my hand at some calligraphy, for a moment I had an interest in wanting to get into ‘Calligraffiti’ and heck I even wanted to make jewellery with crystals!

Of course none of it stuck. I hadn’t known what my problem was up until NOW!

I didn’t have a plan. I DON’T have a plan!

I. Am. Lazy. So lazy I even let my self care regime slip and let two months pass without meditating, writing my morning pages daily because I chose to sleep in more and have even stopped buying new clothes because I also don’t want to spend too much money anymore like I use to.

I don’t know who this person is right now.

I am the sort who can look in the mirror one day and be grateful and happy for what I see and have to one day waking up and wishing I wasn’t here on earth or I was off far away hiding from the world.

I have allowed others lives posted on social media get to me and sadly allowed it to affect the way I live my life. I may not run around after kids and complain about how much cleaning I do around the house. I may not have a degree or masters on a subject from University and I may not own my own house at the age of 38…

I all I have done is HIDE because I don’t know how to share my gifts and talents with the world. HESITATE because I have never been able to see myself as being successful. HYPERCRITICAL because all I can do is beat myself up. Be HELPLESS because there are times where I can’t keep my emotions in check and end up spreading my bad vibes all over the place.

Now, I’m not declaring I am about to go out and grab the world by its horns (which is silly to say that Mother Earth has horns) and let out a bloody war cry to announce my coming back into the world. No.

That’s not who I am. See, the thing about having had time to go inward these last months of 2018 made me realise a lot of things and learnt so much of what is I have to stop…and when you clear away space within, shifts happen…

…I found my purpose for 2019.

But you’re going to have to wait and see 😉

Happy New Year!