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Diary of An Introverted Gemini

This Will Pass & Life Will Always Be Beautiful

This has to be the most weirdest month. A couple of weeks before July I can feel myself starting to withdraw again. It’s an urge I cannot fight, a feeling of wanting to vanish into thin air and never to be found again.
I also began to doubt my ability being an online business owner and have stepped back from it. Not posting as enthusiastic as I was at the beginning of the year. I thought I had all together. This was it. I am finally getting my shit together.

But what did I expect? That my online business would suddenly explode into massive overnight success? Okay, part of me did, but I am also realistic in trying not to be swept up by all the massive success others on social media seem to be/are having.

dahlias images sourced from Unsplash

I have even gotten to a point where I am thinking about closing up my shop on Etsy and have my own. This time I have been doing even more research and figuring out…what the heck is my brand story!? 

Suddenly I really hate my brand name.

I am overwhelmed yet again. And when I am overwhelmed, that’s when I want to disappear. Queue break downs and re-questioning everything about my life. See, I get toooo…use to things when they are going great and running smoothly.

But underneath it all, I knew I wasn’t doing enough when it came to running my small business. Since I had joined a network of female entrepreneurs, it became blazingly clear how little I had actually done…all those nights I spent staying up late because there was always something that needed to be worked on suddenly doesn’t seem I had done enough before launching.

Which has resulted in me feeling like I am not keeping up with it all. As though everyone is moving at a much faster rate than me, even though in my mind I can be years ahead…I am a paradox of being neither here or there. Keeping up with the trends has never been my strong suit.
Which is why I fall in to moments of weakness and fall into a danger zone of comparing my account on Instagram with those who have an endless feed of beautiful themed photos.

poppies by ms jemini

I recognise how much I lack in staying C O N S I S T E N T. Consistency seems to be the one thing that gets drilled into us when you’re a creative entrepreneur. What if you’re not use to being consistent? I am someone who has always lived in the moment, I have done things in my life with no decision and paid for the consequences later. Cultivating a new set of mindset and reprogramming it for success has, in all honesty been the biggest challenge for me this year.
Even harder when you’re not surrounded by other extremely successful people. But this is also my doing, I find it harder to go out and be social as I get older and I especially don’t want to set myself up for toxic friendships again.

I have wondered if I have undiagnosed ADHD because I am always going from one thing to the next. And no, I don’t want to go to the doctor to be told I do and then have prescription pills thrown at me! Or…I’m just a
Gemini.
Even with my blogging, I kept on planning to make sure I at least have a new blog post once a week. Has it been happening….no and I beat myself up for this.

Instead I write small bits at a time and end up with a really long blog post. When I’m juggling a fully time job with the pursuit of creating a life I won’t have to work for someone else again I squeeze in most of my writing first thing in the morning before starting my shift. Some mornings I am full of inspiration and can write a lot. Other mornings…well I sit there looking at that cursor doing it’s blink trying to unravel any words from my vast mind.

It has been a very messy emotionally. I had not one, not two, but THREE meltdowns. That’s a record for me. A lot of it was releasing old past rage and emotional baggage from family members I have picked up over the years. When you’re in the midst of emotional upheaval, everything else around you seems to stop. You wonder why you started a business in the first place and everything about it feels all wrong again.

And that is why I stepped away. Re-assessing what it is I actually want to achieve because I have lost sight of why I even started Ms Jemini in the first place. I have headed back to the drawing board, by drawing board I mean writing lots of notes in dot points in numerous notebooks. Pinning like crazy on Pinterest of ‘How to…’ and brand colour themes. Eventually everything I have been learning is going to sink in and the results will start to show.

The one thing I am stuck on the most is….my brand story. Apparently people like to know the story behind the brand. Queue sinking into more existential crisis on trying to find an identity for my brand. Good grief. Now I have to worry about what story my brand has. So, I went, fuck it.
I have written off this month and as always seemed it was necessary to pull apart everything again and see how it will all turn out when things start to rearrange themselves again within.

We all go through these moments of questioning our lives and you’re going to have times where you’re going to feel down in the dumps because you let external forces mess with your internal world. It’s how you recover. When you’re able to recognise, hey, I really needed this and you’re able to pick yourself up again gives you more opportunities to start all over as many times as you need to.
Time is always going to be on our side regardless of our circumstances.

We can give up OR you can let whatever it is you’re experiencing right now pass. Because guess what…

Life will always be beautiful.

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© 2019 Ms Jemini
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